October 6, 2010

After overexposure to multiple solvents at the shop and quite a serious injury, I told my boss I couldn’t go on working and wanted to file a worker compensation claim. He said, tossing the form on his desk in a very much F-you manner: “Go ahead. It’ll take at least five years.”   He was right and even then I was screwed over, left disabled, cheated and broke with a whole new attitude.

  • Boss: So can't we solve this by installing one of those doohickeys, you know, like a hand job.
  • [Uncomfortable silence ensues]
  • Boss: Uhhhh... those weren't the right words were they?
  • Me: Nope.
May 28, 2010

I was calling in sick

  • Me: Sorry, I can't come in today, and by the way, you should avoid the dinner buffet at Star of India.
  • Boss: Oh, I don't eat Chinese food.
April 25, 2010

Our messenger service overheard this entire conversation. He just stood there, waiting to sign in.

  • Boss #1: What? You don't like Field of Dreams?
  • Boss #2: No, yeah I do.... what's that guys name?
  • Boss #1: Who, Kevin Costner? Or...
  • Boss #2: The big black guy.
  • Boss #1: Oh! James Earl Jones.
  • Boss #2: Yeah, him. He's the blackest guy of all black guys... he's so black.
  • Associate: No, I think Tupac was more black than him.

Butt Tuckers

I’m on the safety team at work, and someone slipped. I was explaining to my boss that I didn’t take this person seriously because she was wearing 3-4 inch spike heels when there was 8 inches of snow on the ground. This was not a safety issue, it was a common sense issue.

He replied, “Oh I really love women who wear the high heels! I could follow them around for hours.”

Me: “Ok, well, that’s a little off topic.”

My boss: “Where I used to work, the ladies used to care about how they looked and dressed. We had one woman who wore heels everyday. She said there were two kinds of heels. Ones that tuck your butt and ones that seperate the butt cheeks. She would also wear a bathing suit to work on Fridays and tan on the roof. She was a good looking woman.”

Me: “Well, I hardly believe this is helpful or safety related.”

My boss: “Maybe you should buy a pair of heels for the office?! Give it a try. They will also shape your legs.”

January 15, 2010
Great! Make a game out of seeing how fast you can do this one :)
My boss, “encouraging” me to get a pitch deck done in a few hours from start to finish
October 3, 2009

I work in AP and I just received a priority overnight FedEx package from one of our satellite offices in another state. The office manager there wants me to mail a change of address to one of our vendors.

It was my first few months at my new job at a very small company.  My boss was signing me up for my Health Insurance plan and asked, “So, do you get a lot of pap smears or what?”

I have a Masters in design from a very reputable school, more than 20 years experience with more than 50 awards to my name. I have created and managed campaigns that have generated tens of millions of dollars in revenue. I have earned every penny of my salary and am well respected in my industry.

My boss regularly introduces me to visitors by saying something like, “This is ___. He makes pretty pictures.”

August 20, 2009

I was trained for my job by a man who is exceptionally bright and a leader in the field.  He is moving on to a higher position and wanted to sell me his business, whereby he would receive a third of my earnings on every matter I completed. I said no, and that it was kind of him to offer, but I am not interested nor would I be interested at any time in the future.

He wrote back saying “I’ll take that as a definite maybe.”