October 2010
2 posts
After overexposure to multiple solvents at the shop and quite a serious injury, I told my boss I couldn’t go on working and wanted to file a worker compensation claim. He said, tossing the form on his desk in a very much F-you manner: “Go ahead. It’ll take at least five years.” He was right and even then I was screwed over, left disabled, cheated and broke with a...
Boss: So can't we solve this by installing one of those doohickeys, you know, like a hand job.
[Uncomfortable silence ensues]
Boss: Uhhhh... those weren't the right words were they?
Me: Nope.
May 2010
1 post
I was calling in sick
Me: Sorry, I can't come in today, and by the way, you should avoid the dinner buffet at Star of India.
Boss: Oh, I don't eat Chinese food.
April 2010
2 posts
Our messenger service overheard this entire...
Boss #1: What? You don't like Field of Dreams?
Boss #2: No, yeah I do.... what's that guys name?
Boss #1: Who, Kevin Costner? Or...
Boss #2: The big black guy.
Boss #1: Oh! James Earl Jones.
Boss #2: Yeah, him. He's the blackest guy of all black guys... he's so black.
Associate: No, I think Tupac was more black than him.
Butt Tuckers
I’m on the safety team at work, and someone slipped. I was explaining to my boss that I didn’t take this person seriously because she was wearing 3-4 inch spike heels when there was 8 inches of snow on the ground. This was not a safety issue, it was a common sense issue.
He replied, “Oh I really love women who wear the high heels! I could follow them around for hours.”
...
January 2010
1 post
“Great! Make a game out of seeing how fast you can do this one :)”
– My boss, “encouraging” me to get a pitch deck done in a few hours from start to finish
October 2009
3 posts
I work in AP and I just received a priority overnight FedEx package from one of our satellite offices in another state. The office manager there wants me to mail a change of address to one of our vendors.
It was my first few months at my new job at a very small company. My boss was signing me up for my Health Insurance plan and asked, “So, do you get a lot of pap smears or what?”
I have a Masters in design from a very reputable school, more than 20 years experience with more than 50 awards to my name. I have created and managed campaigns that have generated tens of millions of dollars in revenue. I have earned every penny of my salary and am well respected in my industry.
My boss regularly introduces me to visitors by saying something like, “This is ___. He makes...
August 2009
4 posts
I was trained for my job by a man who is exceptionally bright and a leader in the field. He is moving on to a higher position and wanted to sell me his business, whereby he would receive a third of my earnings on every matter I completed. I said no, and that it was kind of him to offer, but I am not interested nor would I be interested at any time in the future.
He wrote back saying...
“Well, as you’re in a long distance relationship, you should probably do an...”
– My boss, during a discussion on training courses I could go on. Actually, he probably should. He is single and has no friends.
Background: I was about to go on an overseas visit to another branch of our organisation. My boss decided to give me a briefing.
Boss: When you're over there, when you're visiting the other organisations, you should thank them. And if you get invited to people's houses, remember that you're in someone's home, and you should remember to say thank you to them.
Me: [Stunned silence]
(Just to clarify, I'm 26, not six.)
My boss just walked into my office and said “This is probably not work appropriate, but have you heard of this viral video called Two Girls, One Cup?”
July 2009
2 posts
(I was working for a literary agent)
Boss: I asked you to print out this whole book, and you didn't! You only gave me up to page 310! What's wrong with you?
Me: [checks] No, that's where it ends. It's just quite abrupt.
Boss: Oh. Well, it should be longer!
The HR director at a company I was working at asked me, “Are you having recreational or procreational sex?”
June 2009
3 posts
[Boss and I are working in an open plan office]
Boss: Hey! Are you on Facebook? Did you see my most recent update?
Me: No, I just logged off.
Boss: Well log back on and check it out.
Facebook: Boss is admiring ____ (me) from across the room and thinks she has thighs to die for.
Me: Uhhh, I think that's sexual harassment, and I'm not very comfortable.
Boss: How could that be sexual harassment? I didn't even say anything!
Background: I live in England and I just came back from Canada attending my grandmother and step-grandfather's unexpected funerals.
Boss: Ah, I can tell you were just at home!
Me: Oh really? How?
Boss: You've got a bit of a spare tire from that home cooking.
Me: ....
Boss: Oh! But I only say that cause normally you're really fit (hot).
Background: I am the only nonwhite person in the office. Theeeeeee onnnnnly onnnnnne.
[Boss comes and sits on my desk]
Boss: [whispers] I think you'll find that when I'm done hiring this new editorial assistant, you'll be pretty happy to have someone else who looks like you around.
Me: blank aghast stare
Boss: [grabs my wrists, shakes them back and forth joyfully] Another-brown-person-in-the-office!
May 2009
4 posts
Me: Sarah Palin said she didn't know Africa was a continent!
Boss: Africa is a continent?!
This was followed by me trying (in vain) to explain all the different continents to her. However, the North America /South America part confused her too much... she thought that I meant the South American countries were part of the U.S.
My boss called in today, around noon, and said: I’m working from the beach office today. I really think I’ll get more done this way.
Me: My godmother has passed away, and I am going to need to leave a little early on Thursday in order to make it to the wake. I'll also be a little late getting in on Friday, since the funeral is in the morning.
My boss: Well, how close were you to this person? You can't just take off of work every time someone dies.
My boss just asked “Do you know how to do snail mail?”
I don’t know if he thinks people my age only know how to communicate through email or just that I’m really stupid.
April 2009
7 posts
“Everywhere I go, people love me!”
– My boss, during a long, rambling tirade about how she tries to do good whenever she can.
Me: I'm going to need to take two days off. My step-dad just had his third heart attack in two weeks, and I need to go home to be with my mom while they sort through this.
My boss: Don't you think you should wait until you know whether he is actually going to die before you take time out of the office?
My ex-boss was the absolute queen of inappropriate banter. We once went to interview a male client who was the largest importer of fresh fruits on the island, the most popular of which being banana’s. The entire interview went without a glitch when towards the end my boss decides to end on a humorous note with, “It’s been great speaking with you, although I must admit that before...
I am not sure if this qualifies since my boss did not actually speak, but I felt it worth sharing anyway.
We recently had a business lunch at a restaurant near our office for our Board President. The entire office staff, the president and my boss were there. During a conversation with the president, my boss picked up one of the folded paper menus off of the table and used the corner of it to pick...
At the last office where I worked we kept a pretty well-stocked kitchen: Star Crunch, Oatmeal Creme Pies, and 4 different kinds of Pop-Tarts. One day my boss brought a box of Blueberry Pop-Tarts up to the front desk, with all the bags opened up. He had discovered that some of the Pop-Tarts had less frosting on them then others, or none at all. He told us to contact the Kellogg’s corporation...
She's a co-worker, not a boss, but she does have an office and I have a cube. She codes our benefit charges based on which office (we have 7) the person is located.
ME: My boss would like you to put these ex-employees receiving COBRA by their original office, not under corporate.
HER: Well, for some of them I can't, like John Doe, he hasn't worked here since last year.
*Silence*
ME: Well then let's just put him in the office he was located in when he was here.
My boss is paying for me to learn a foreign language, which I am then teaching to him. One Friday I told him to do pages 5-7 in the book. Sunday afternoon I received a frantic voicemail message: “Now, I know you said to do pages 5 through 7. Does that mean I stop at 7? What about pages 1 through 5?”
I responded with this text message: “Do pages 5-7. Stop after you’re...
March 2009
5 posts
Boss (whispering in a barley noticable voice): I'm so sick I'm not going to come in today.
Me: What's wrong?
Boss: I don't know, the doctor says I need a liveroscopy.
I think a liveroscopy means that she drank too much that weekend at the indian casino and couldn't come in for two days because her "liver" hurt.
8:00 am: the teleconference starts. Scheduled end time: 9:00 am.
8:58 am: the phone system beeps loudly, interrupting the closing thought of a participant and we hear a dull, “Hey.” We’re all sort of confused. I realize “Hey” is my boss’s professional greeting, and initially think he is calling in early to the telecon line for a 9:00 am conference. Oh no...
Owner of store that has existed for 16+ years: Did you break the fax machine, I can't get it to work!
Me: That's the copier.
Boss: Let Barry (her boss) know that I'll be in around noon today, I have morning appointments.
Me: It's 2pm ...
She was later let go due to a *whispering* perscription drug problem
Several years ago I worked in Youth Services at a military base in Germany. My female boss was from Trinidad. She looked at a picture of my husband and me, and told me, in a very matter of fact voice, “You know, your husband is much better looking than you are.” I just looked at her, kind of in shock. I wish I’d had the nerve to tell her, “And he’s much better looking...
February 2009
4 posts
“I know you’re hurt right now, but I just don’t really have a lot of...”
– The restaurant owner’s girlfriend, after the deep fryer exploded seven feet in the air, including all over my arms, neck and face. Would’ve blinded me if I had not been wearing glasses. I went home, and she called to scold me.
One afternoon, my 65 year old boss got the mail and was sifting through it in front of customers, his son, and myself. He came across an advertisement that he thought was pretty funny and decided to share.
“Finally! Astounding errections, you’ll be astonished by your firmness!…up to three times more orgasms that you would normally acheive!!”
His son and the customers...
My boss (female, grew up in Communist Russia) to the head of the desk (male, French).
Her: "My daughter was in the ER tonight, I need to leave a little bit early today."
Him: "The emergency room! Of course! Leave whenever you need to!"
Her: "Ok, thanks. I just need to leave a little bit early tonight, like at 8:00."
I was alone in the elevator at the end of the day with an HR manager whose wife had just given birth their first baby a couple weeks earlier (with some major complications). When I asked how the baby was doing, he responded, “Fine. Having a newborn is just not very rewarding.”
January 2009
6 posts
My father had passed away suddenly (at age 55). Due to the shock of it all, my uncle (his brother) went into a deep depression and had to be hospitalized. The day he came home from the hospital, he had a pulmonary embolism in the driveway that killed him instantly (he was 57 and my favorite uncle/second dad). This was six months after my dad’s death. I found out on a Friday on my way home...
Two quotes from my now ex-boss
Today, my first day back in the office since she stopped being my boss: “Never mind. I guess you fulfilled your obligation and that’s all I could expect from you.” Prior to this by two months, in response to a legal opinion I issued her: “That may be the law, but I know we’ve gotten around the law in the past.”
Not my boss, but a co-worker who is in a superior position:
(Also, today is Inauguration Day, which is key to this little remark)
“On the way to work today, my car kept trying to drive towards Washington. You know. Because my car is black.”
Boss #1, speaking about me: Her "special friend" is part of your club (Catholicism).
Boss #2: What? "Special friend"? I don't know what's going on right now.
Me, glaring at Boss #1: Um, he means my, uh, boyfriend.
(the boyfriend I broke up with a week prior to this and hadn't told anyone in the office yet)
My best friend and I worked together at a hospital. Our supervisor was a, um, large woman. When my friend went into our boss’s office for a meeting, she found that would have to walk by her to get to the empty chair. Our boss’s rather large leg was in the way, and when my friend paused to wait for her to move, our boss said (in a deep, masculine voice), “Just work around...
This is a few years ago. My boss was notoriously difficult, always unhappy with everything, finding points of criticism without fail. Unrelated to work, I had made a mix CD for everyone in the office, for a special occasion. I thought, “Should I give one to him?” and then, “Oh why not.” So I made him one, too, and put it in his mailbox. Perhaps being included would make him...
December 2008
6 posts
In a hearing before a Federal Judge, my boss, managing partner of the law firm said, “It is what it is your honor. I don’t know what that is, but whatever it is, that’s what it is.”
I nearly died of embarrassment.
Lately my boss has been obsessed with the puppycam. The other day I was walking by her office and it was on. She was like, “Look! They’re SLEEPING!” I didn’t tell her her browser had frozen.
While on a conference call just now with two people I’ve never met, but with whom I would like to work in future, my boss referred to a web site I had recently created as “the spawn of [Redacted]’s loins” and went on to talk about how I had overseen its birthing process. SERIOUSLY. My eyeball started to twitch.
Boss: I want [Redacted] to do the reporting on this piece, and for you to write it up.
[Redacted] and me: Sure thing.
[Boss walks up to me in front of (Redacted) and says in a loud stage whisper that everyone can hear]: I want you to write it because you're a much better writer. This one [points backward with thumb at (Redacted) will just fuck it up.
Situation: At a company party, sitting at a table with my direct boss and four superiors. They are making bets with one another and ask if I want in.
My drunken boss’s response: “Ha! You can contribute what? $10?! C’mon guys, we know what we pay her!”
Followed by very awkward silence.
A group text from my boss to the staff on Sunday:
“Where is the light switch?”