Things My Boss Has Said

“I think we should definitely go to this conference in Philadephia. Yes, we’ll stay at...

boss: Why isn't the internet working on this computer?
me: It's not connected to the internet.
boss (getting angry): We are supposed to have wireless everywhere in this office!
me: Well, this is a desktop computer. It doesn't have a wireless card.
boss: ...
me: We could plug it into the router, but it's in the other room.
boss: What's a router?
*please note, my boss is less than 50 years old and has a Ph.D. in science

Too much bean.

I'm making coffee with one of the directors of our office (who's hardly ever in and has never met my new supervisor) when my supervisor stands over us as I put coffee beans into the grinder. The director is pouring water into the coffee maker. All of a sudden I hear
Supervisor: Too much bean.
Me: It's not too much bean. It's right at the line. In fact, the beans are below the line.
(And, I know to not put "too much bean" into the grinder because she's lectured me about it before.)
Supervisor - Shakes head: Too much bean.
Director: Really?
Supervisor: Too much bean.
Me to Director: What do you think? Too much bean? Want me to take some out?
Director: I guess.
I remove two measly beans. Close the coffee maker quickly and hit start. Walk away. I can hear my supervisor saying something to the director then she leaves the kitchen.
Director: That woman is a fucking bitch.
Me: I told you.
Then he walks out of the kitchen. I follow and she comes charging at me.
Supervisor: DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO CLEAN THAT COFFEE MAKER WHEN A PERSON PUTS TOO MUCH BEAN?

“Thanks”
— My boss in a text message to...

My boss says this to me after I tell him that another department in our sales channel contacted me...

My boss in a text message at 1am on a Saturday (I am at the bar): “Can you get me some more...

My boss was meeting with me about returning from maternity leave and she said:   “Now, because...

My boss writes on a post-it note that he sticks on my monitor, even though I am standing 3 feet away...

“Andrew? oh, it says ‘in a meeting and...”
— My boss, doing roll call for a...

My Boss: Remind me to take my Coumadin in 15 minutes or I'll die.
Me: (15 minutes later, via intercom) I'm supposed to remind you to...
My Boss: (screaming) My door is closed! Never interrupt me when my door is closed! You just lost my train of thought!
Me: (an hour later, as my boss walks past my desk to leave for the night) Have a great weekend!

c'est charmant

Boss: Nice boots. Those look great on you. [two minutes later] Boss: “Hey _______, this is...

Me: (in an email to a client, ccing the boss) "Todd and Kelly are looking forward to your next meeting"... blah blah blah
Todd: (my boss) "Thanks for sending this, but I hate to point out that you spelled Kelley's name wrong."
Me: "Typo. You're lucky I remembered the second D in your name."
Todd: "Good piont." [sic]

My last boss was a total nitpick about clothing, but wouldn’t follow the guidelines herself....

Coworker / dude I sort of report to: "Where's this meeting I'm supposed to be in?" (looking at his blackberry)
Me: "Do you EVER look at your calendar?"
CW/DISORT: "If I wanted any shit out of you, I'd of squoze yer head."
Ah, the great uneducated, unwashed masses. Finally fluent enough on email to harass their colleagues. Well played, sir. Well played.