Things My Boss Has Said

[Boss and I are working in an open plan office]
Boss: Hey! Are you on Facebook? Did you see my most recent update?
Me: No, I just logged off.
Boss: Well log back on and check it out.
Facebook: Boss is admiring ____ (me) from across the room and thinks she has thighs to die for.
Me: Uhhh, I think that's sexual harassment, and I'm not very comfortable.
Boss: How could that be sexual harassment? I didn't even say anything!

Background: I live in England and I just came back from Canada attending my grandmother and step-grandfather's unexpected funerals.
Boss: Ah, I can tell you were just at home!
Me: Oh really? How?
Boss: You've got a bit of a spare tire from that home cooking.
Me: ....
Boss: Oh! But I only say that cause normally you're really fit (hot).

Background: I am the only nonwhite person in the office. Theeeeeee onnnnnly onnnnnne.
[Boss comes and sits on my desk]
Boss: [whispers] I think you'll find that when I'm done hiring this new editorial assistant, you'll be pretty happy to have someone else who looks like you around.
Me: blank aghast stare
Boss: [grabs my wrists, shakes them back and forth joyfully] Another-brown-person-in-the-office!