April 2, 2009

At the last office where I worked we kept a pretty well-stocked kitchen: Star Crunch, Oatmeal Creme Pies, and 4 different kinds of Pop-Tarts. One day my boss brought a box of Blueberry Pop-Tarts up to the front desk, with all the bags opened up. He had discovered that some of the Pop-Tarts had less frosting on them then others, or none at all. He told us to contact the Kellogg’s corporation and find out how this could have happened. I decided not to do it because, uh, who cares, but my coworker then spent the rest of the day filling out forms on the Kellogg’s website to try and get them to solve this important problem we were having.

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  • She's a co-worker, not a boss, but she does have an office and I have a cube. She codes our benefit charges based on which office (we have 7) the person is located.
  • ME: My boss would like you to put these ex-employees receiving COBRA by their original office, not under corporate.
  • HER: Well, for some of them I can't, like John Doe, he hasn't worked here since last year.
  • *Silence*
  • ME: Well then let's just put him in the office he was located in when he was here.
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My boss is paying for me to learn a foreign language, which I am then teaching to him. One Friday I told him to do pages 5-7 in the book. Sunday afternoon I received a frantic voicemail message: “Now, I know you said to do pages 5 through 7. Does that mean I stop at 7? What about pages 1 through 5?”

I responded with this text message: “Do pages 5-7. Stop after you’re done with 7. Start at page 5.”

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March 16, 2009
  • Boss (whispering in a barley noticable voice): I'm so sick I'm not going to come in today.
  • Me: What's wrong?
  • Boss: I don't know, the doctor says I need a liveroscopy.
  • I think a liveroscopy means that she drank too much that weekend at the indian casino and couldn't come in for two days because her "liver" hurt.
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March 8, 2009

8:00 am: the teleconference starts. Scheduled end time: 9:00 am.

8:58 am: the phone system beeps loudly, interrupting the closing thought of a participant and we hear a dull, “Hey.” We’re all sort of confused.  I realize “Hey” is my boss’s professional greeting, and initially think he is calling in early to the telecon line for a 9:00 am conference.  Oh no he’s not.  He’s calling into a 60-minute meeting 58 minutes late.

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  • Owner of store that has existed for 16+ years: Did you break the fax machine, I can't get it to work!
  • Me: That's the copier.
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  • Boss: Let Barry (her boss) know that I'll be in around noon today, I have morning appointments.
  • Me: It's 2pm ...
  • She was later let go due to a *whispering* perscription drug problem
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Several years ago I worked in Youth Services at a military base in Germany. My female boss was from Trinidad. She looked at a picture of my husband and me, and told me, in a very matter of fact voice, “You know, your husband is much better looking than you are.” I just looked at her, kind of in shock. I wish I’d had the nerve to tell her, “And he’s much better looking than you are, too!”

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February 26, 2009
“ I know you’re hurt right now, but I just don’t really have a lot of sympathy because you’re leaving us short handed on a Saturday night.
The restaurant owner’s girlfriend, after the deep fryer exploded seven feet in the air, including all over my arms, neck and face. Would’ve blinded me if I had not been wearing glasses. I went home, and she called to scold me. •
February 13, 2009

One afternoon, my 65 year old boss got the mail and was sifting through it in front of customers, his son, and myself. He came across an advertisement that he thought was pretty funny and decided to share.

“Finally! Astounding errections, you’ll be astonished by your firmness!…up to three times more orgasms that you would normally acheive!!”

His son and the customers stopped mid-sentence and the couple were visibly uncomfortable so he snorts, “Three times more than zero is still zero so that ain’t gonna do me no good.”

We did not do business with the couple after that.

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