Things My Boss Has Said

I work in AP and I just received a priority overnight FedEx package from one of our satellite...

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 15:47:19 -0400

I work in AP and I just received a priority overnight FedEx package from one of our satellite offices in another state. The office manager there wants me to mail a change of address to one of our vendors.

It was my first few months at my new job at a very small company. My boss was signing me up for my...

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 15:46:08 -0400

It was my first few months at my new job at a very small company. My boss was signing me up for my Health Insurance plan and asked, “So, do you get a lot of pap smears or what?”

I have a Masters in design from a very reputable school, more than 20 years experience with more...

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 15:43:31 -0400

I have a Masters in design from a very reputable school, more than 20 years experience with more than 50 awards to my name. I have created and managed campaigns that have generated tens of millions of dollars in revenue. I have earned every penny of my salary and am well respected in my industry.

My boss regularly introduces me to visitors by saying something like, “This is ___. He makes pretty pictures.”

I was trained for my job by a man who is exceptionally bright and a leader in the field. He is...

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 14:38:06 -0400

I was trained for my job by a man who is exceptionally bright and a leader in the field. He is moving on to a higher position and wanted to sell me his business, whereby he would receive a third of my earnings on every matter I completed. I said no, and that it was kind of him to offer, but I am not interested nor would I be interested at any time in the future.

He wrote back saying “I’ll take that as a definite maybe.”

"Well, as you’re in a long distance relationship, you should probably do an evening course too,..."

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 16:38:19 -0400

“Well, as you’re in a long distance relationship, you should probably do an evening course too, to occupy your time.”

- My boss, during a discussion on training courses I could go on. Actually, he probably should. He is single and has no friends.

Background: I was about to go on an overseas visit to another branch of our organisation. My boss decided to give me a briefing.

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 16:36:00 -0400

Background: I was about to go on an overseas visit to another branch of our organisation. My boss decided to give me a briefing.

Boss: When you're over there, when you're visiting the other organisations, you should thank them. And if you get invited to people's houses, remember that you're in someone's home, and you should remember to say thank you to them.

Me: [Stunned silence]

(Just to clarify, I'm 26, not six.)

My boss just walked into my office and said “This is probably not work appropriate, but have...

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 16:35:47 -0400

My boss just walked into my office and said “This is probably not work appropriate, but have you heard of this viral video called Two Girls, One Cup?”

(I was working for a literary agent)

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 16:40:22 -0400

(I was working for a literary agent)
Boss: I asked you to print out this whole book, and you didn't! You only gave me up to page 310! What's wrong with you?
Me: [checks] No, that's where it ends. It's just quite abrupt.
Boss: Oh. Well, it should be longer!

The HR director at a company I was working at asked me, “Are you having recreational or...

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 16:40:01 -0400

The HR director at a company I was working at asked me, “Are you having recreational or procreational sex?”

[Boss and I are working in an open plan office]

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 01:48:00 -0400

[Boss and I are working in an open plan office]

Boss: Hey! Are you on Facebook? Did you see my most recent update?

Me: No, I just logged off.

Boss: Well log back on and check it out.

Facebook: Boss is admiring ____ (me) from across the room and thinks she has thighs to die for.

Me: Uhhh, I think that's sexual harassment, and I'm not very comfortable.

Boss: How could that be sexual harassment? I didn't even say anything!

Background: I live in England and I just came back from Canada attending my grandmother and step-grandfather's unexpected funerals.

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 01:47:00 -0400

Background: I live in England and I just came back from Canada attending my grandmother and step-grandfather's unexpected funerals.

Boss: Ah, I can tell you were just at home!

Me: Oh really? How?

Boss: You've got a bit of a spare tire from that home cooking.

Me: ....

Boss: Oh! But I only say that cause normally you're really fit (hot).

Background: I am the only nonwhite person in the office. Theeeeeee onnnnnly onnnnnne.

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 20:34:00 -0400

Background: I am the only nonwhite person in the office. Theeeeeee onnnnnly onnnnnne.

[Boss comes and sits on my desk]

Boss: [whispers] I think you'll find that when I'm done hiring this new editorial assistant, you'll be pretty happy to have someone else who looks like you around.
Me: blank aghast stare
Boss: [grabs my wrists, shakes them back and forth joyfully] Another-brown-person-in-the-office!

Me: Sarah Palin said she didn't know Africa was a continent!

Sat, 30 May 2009 23:59:14 -0400

Me: Sarah Palin said she didn't know Africa was a continent!
Boss: Africa is a continent?!
This was followed by me trying (in vain) to explain all the different continents to her. However, the North America /South America part confused her too much... she thought that I meant the South American countries were part of the U.S.

My boss called in today, around noon, and said: I’m working from the beach office today. I...

Sat, 30 May 2009 23:58:18 -0400

My boss called in today, around noon, and said: I’m working from the beach office today. I really think I’ll get more done this way.

Me: My godmother has passed away, and I am going to need to leave a little early on Thursday in order to make it to the wake. I'll also be a little late getting in on Friday, since the funeral is in the morning.

Sat, 30 May 2009 23:57:25 -0400

Me: My godmother has passed away, and I am going to need to leave a little early on Thursday in order to make it to the wake. I'll also be a little late getting in on Friday, since the funeral is in the morning.

My boss: Well, how close were you to this person? You can't just take off of work every time someone dies.

My boss just asked “Do you know how to do snail mail?” I don’t know if he thinks...

Sat, 30 May 2009 23:56:35 -0400

My boss just asked “Do you know how to do snail mail?”

I don’t know if he thinks people my age only know how to communicate through email or just that I’m really stupid.

"Everywhere I go, people love me!"

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 23:32:32 -0400

“Everywhere I go, people love me!”

- My boss, during a long, rambling tirade about how she tries to do good whenever she can.

Me: I'm going to need to take two days off. My step-dad just had his third heart attack in two weeks, and I need to go home to be with my mom while they sort through this.

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 23:31:09 -0400

Me: I'm going to need to take two days off. My step-dad just had his third heart attack in two weeks, and I need to go home to be with my mom while they sort through this.

My boss: Don't you think you should wait until you know whether he is actually going to die before you take time out of the office?

My ex-boss was the absolute queen of inappropriate banter. We once went to interview a male client...

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 00:21:00 -0400

My ex-boss was the absolute queen of inappropriate banter. We once went to interview a male client who was the largest importer of fresh fruits on the island, the most popular of which being banana’s. The entire interview went without a glitch when towards the end my boss decides to end on a humorous note with, “It’s been great speaking with you, although I must admit that before I came I was hoping to at least get a taste of your banana if not a proper shake!”

Another time we went to interview the CEO (male) of an airline, and again my boss manages to put foot in mouth with the concluding statement, “Well I guess we’ve got all the info we need, however let us now move on to more pressing matters - when can I ride your shaft?”

I’m pretty certain she meant craft as in aircraft.

I am not sure if this qualifies since my boss did not actually speak, but I felt it worth sharing...

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 01:04:00 -0400

I am not sure if this qualifies since my boss did not actually speak, but I felt it worth sharing anyway.

We recently had a business lunch at a restaurant near our office for our Board President. The entire office staff, the president and my boss were there. During a conversation with the president, my boss picked up one of the folded paper menus off of the table and used the corner of it to pick something out of her teeth, then proceeded to continue her conversation as if nothing happened, stopping several more times to continue picking. Classy and professional behavior for the Executive Director of an organization.